A Campaign to Discuss Relationships, Family and Parenting

It's Sunday....I've already talked to two friends in relation to a summer rental in Sag Harbor for our first family vacation. (To date hubby and I have vacationed alone--- junior stayed with his grandmother). I started tonight's dinner and marinated some chicken in homemade jerk sauce for tomorrow. Now I am reading the New York Times. My husband and 3 year old son are in the playroom where they have begun the process of cutting out kites that will later be painted and maybe flown. The two of them earnestly working together on these kites makes me smile...I feel happy and content. The scenes that I have outlined aren't sexy, but they exude love and commitment and they represent the contours of our family. Now don't get it twisted other Sundays (or other days of the week) have produced less idyllic pictures. We do our share of bickering and finger pointing. However overall, my husband and I have developed a rhythm that allows us to be lovers, friends, parents, and distinct individuals. It ain't easy, but the rewards are worth the effort.

I am not being smug and self-satisfied about my marriage or my family. I freely acknowledge that it took me years to get here and that this is the present---people and circumstances do change, sometimes not for the better. Moreover, my Sunday portrait has nothing to do with our marriage license. Our family is built on the vision that my husband and I regularly work on to re-define and manifest---this includes each of us working on our personal shit that gets in the way. I always said that I would prefer to have a great relationship than simply be married. Other women (and men) I think feel the same way, but they seem to willing to settle for mediocre or downright bad relationships exacerbating the problem by having children.

According to statistics Black women are the least likely group to marry. Morever, Black couples are more likely than others to divorce. However this information is only important as the starting place for a dialogue about creating more empowering family relationships. It doesn't hurt right that Sen. Barack, his wife Michelle Obama and their daughters represent a new portrayal of the "Black" family. Even NYS Governor David Paterson's admission that he and his wife both cheated on each other is refreshing insofar that they sought counseling to deal with the root cause of their actions. Most psychologists will tell you that cheating is usually the result of a personal or relationship problem, but is not the problem itself.

Many people debate whether or not marriage is an anchronism, but maybe if we look at the wider canvass the institution of marriage itself is not that important. Perhaps rather than worrying about improving marriage rates, Black Americans should focus on gaining the necessary tools to sustain healthy, committed relationships, particularly when children are involved. "Committed" in my opinion has less to do with sexual monogamy than it does with being accountable for the obligations and agreements that you voluntarily enter into.

"Family" stands as the foundation for people's understanding of society--it helps to shape our values, belief and priorities. In seems rational to assume that for the masses of Black folks to advance, we need to take concrete steps to strengthen our commitment to respectful and healthy relationships and to conscious parenting. Our families have to be the spaces that nourish us and our children so that we can achieve our personal and societal goals.

In popular culture there have been few examples of a Black woman and a Black man working together to raise their children: Good Times, The Jeffersons, The Cosby Show. One could easily argue that the constantly unemployed father "James" from Good Times was a poor role model, promoting the idea that Black men were incapable of taking care of their families. By the time we get to The Jeffersons, George Jefferson's son Lionel is in college. Consequently the audience doesn't gain much insight about how the family dynamic---as well as George's ambition impacted Lionel and his life choices. The Huxtable family is the only one that on a weekly basis showed a Black couple dealing with the ups and downs of a traditional marriage as well as with the joys and trials of parenting.

It is silly and judgemental to make a blanket judgment that a particular type of family structure is best. However I think that it is reasonable to assume that the best situations are those where the adults have carefully thought about forming a family and voluntarily entered into the arrangement after agreeing (or continually working to reconcile disagreements) about the emotional, time, and financial commitments that are expected---especially as they pertain to their children. While almost anything can work, it sounds like a disaster from the get-go to have children with: 1) someone you don't know well; 2) someone who is not adequately taking care of the children that they already have; 3) someone in order to hold onto a failing relationship; 4) someone already married 5)someone who is perpetually unemployed;
6)someone who is a proven liar and cheat and 7) someone who does not want children

Many of us are immersed in converations about public policy and what Clinton or Obama will do to improve the lives millions of Black Americans who are poor, undereducated and unemployed. I however suggest that in our communities we begin to have some candid conversations about relationships,families and parenting. Not moralizing or trite rhetoric but hardcore conversations about our desires for love, family and children; our current expectations in those areas and the personal baggage that we carry that is getting in way. Right now community centers, churches, mosques, or even people's homes can become venues to discuss and exchange ideas. Moreover these places could become venues to faciliate needed changes. We need year long programs dedicated to this subject.

My husband's aunt and uncle celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year. All of their children are successful and seemingly happy. Maybe even more earth-shattering they couple is still very much in love. We need to hear from people like them about how to create love relationships and families that function for the decades and that produce high-achieving children and grandchildren.


Although public policy can make creating a family, parenting children or fostering a love relationship more challenging, we have successfully done it in every era, under every political party. We have to come to the real conclusion that it our responsibility---not Clinton, Obama, McCain or Jesse Ventura (who may be entering the presidential race) whether our children are academically prepared to compete in a 21st century economy, where college is a minium requirement, or understand that they should only become parents after they are financially and emotionally ready to do so or that nothing is free---that includes sex when it is being used to manipulate, control, or to fill an emotional void.


Here's my hope---A year long Campaign to Discuss Relationships, Family and Parenting!