People are scared. Across the country folks are losing their homes—and even if you can keep your house it’s worth much less than it was several years ago. Jobs with liveable wages and benefits are rapidly disappearing. With the crashing and burning happening on Wall Street the value of many people’s retirement accounts has plummeted. Last, but certainly not least, affordable health insurance evades more and more Americans. It’s easy to be sucked into the collective fear that is spreading around the country. In Chinese the symbol for crisis is the same as opportunity. It’s therefore not surprising that even in the middle of this financial chaos there are people still making money and living large—and that’s been the case throughout history.
Recently I was listening to T.I.’s single “On Top Of the World,” featuring Ludacris and I started thinking about how successful people are different from the ones caught up in collective fear. Over the years rap artists have advocated boot-strap economics—a self reliance that emerged in the aftermath of being abandoned and ignored by the system. People hustle when they are hungry and they become complacent when they have extra money in their pockets. We all tend to forget that the economy, like life, is about cycles. If there is a boom period, there’s got to be a corresponding bust. While no man (or woman) is an island, it’s almost certain that the more that you farm out your financial decisions to other people, the more likely you’ll remain broke and fearful. I have put together 5 important lessons that Hip Hop has taught me about financially successful people:
1. They have a prosperity mind-set: Successful people refuse to focus on their fears. They are really determined that they are going to get theirs—no matter what. This means that they don’t spend a lot of time thinking that they can’t make it because they’re Black, Latino, female, uneducated/unqualified, too old, too fat, don’t live in NY or LA or too unattractive. There’s a big difference between saying that you want to be wealthy and actually believing that you can be. The success stories are made of up people who truly believed that they deserved the best that life had to offer. These folks also got off their rears and took concrete steps toward their goals. Successful person may play hard, but they also work VERY hard. These people are constantly in meetings, discussing deals and investigating new opportunities. Successful people also surround themselves with knowledgeable advisers who can help them to improve their game and fulfil their vision.. The folks with longevity such as Russell Simmons, Sean “P-Diddy” Combs, Sean “Jay-Z” Carter, LL Cool L and Queen Latifah know that they are exactly where they are supposed to be—it’s not a fluke or an accident.
Action Step: List you top 5 reasons why you can’t get ahead. Read your list and determine why each one is a really just an excuse. For instance, if you say that don’t have enough education; you can go back to school, even if its only one class at a time.
2. They Take On New Challenges: Successful people believe in themselves and as a result they take career risks that allow them to learn and grow. Rap artist, Will Smith (DJ Jazzy J and Fresh Prince) agreed to star in the television show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air,” and then he made his film debuted in Six Degrees of Separation, playing a gay man. Will Smith went on to star in films such as Independence Day, Men in Black and Enemy of the State and is now a top Hollywood money-maker. Queen Latifah, who co-founded Flavor Unit Entertainment, which managed groups such as Outkast and Naughty by Nature also starred in the television show “Living Single.” She won acclaim for her acting in films such as Living Out Loud and Set It Off and was nominated for an Academy Award for her role in the film “Chicago." Queen Latifah moved from rapping to singing on The Dana Owens Album (2004) and Trav’lin Light (2007). As a fashion designer, Sean Combs has not only racked up millions in sales, but in 2004 he beat out veteran designers Ralph Lauren and Michael Kors to win CFDA Menswear Designer of the Year award for his sophisticated Sean John clothing line. We also can’t forget his addictive MTV reality shows, “Making the Band,” and “Who Wants to Be Diddy’s Assistant? The folks who keep stepping, even in tough economic times keep challenging themselves to reach larger and loftier goals.
Action Step: Think about 1 or 2 things that you’ve been scared to do and commit to doing it—put a date on its completion. It may be performing at the local open mic, applying for a higher position at your job or pitching your business to clients outside your community.
3. They own their own businesses: The reality is that if you work for someone else, you are always financially vulnerable. The company, not you decides how much money you can make, how quickly you can advance and whether you’ll even have a job next week. When the company decides to eliminate your job it’s irrelevant to them that you’ve got rent to pay, a car note that’s due or kids to feed. Although owning a business can be financially risky, it’s the only way that you can directly control how much cash flows into your wallet. Whether it’s rap music entrepreneurs or traditional business people, the wealthiest ones are those who own their own businesses: Jay-Z (co-founder. Roc-A-Fella Records); 50 Cent (G-Unit, an umbrella for several businesses); Sean Combs (Bad Boy Worldwide Entertainment Group); Warren Buffet (Bershire Hathaway); Bill Gates (Microsoft); Jeff Bezos (founder, Amazon.com). Even for people who don’t want to be full-time entrepreneurs they need to have a second hustle that can tide them over if their main gig disappears.
Action Step: Make a List of 10 different low-cost businesses that you could start TODAY with the skills that you’ve already got. Research start-up costs, marketing/promotion expenses and what it would take to turn a profit.
4. They Watch Their Money: Despite all of the Cristal sipping and bottles of Patron that are consumed every weekend, the truly wealthy usually let someone else pick up the tab. It’s the wannabees who are going broke trying to impress the next man (or woman). Ironically the more that people make, the less that they tend to spend. Not only are the wealthy usually inundated with “comps” (Complimentary or FREE gifts/perks), they expect NOT to pay for their drinks or to get into a club. In comparison too many average joes simply spend more than they earn. While the rich buy appreciable items, such as recession-proof real estate in high-end communities, art work, or invest in their companies, the average janes buy/lease luxury cars and McMansions that they couldn’t afford. These average joes usually have closets full of designer clothes and accessories but not a dime in emergency savings. They are literally one pay check away from welfare. Getting on track financially means cutting back on all non-essential spending and putting some money in the bank.
Action Step: Determine what in your life are “needs” versus “wants.” If you don’t have at least three months of salary in the bank for an emergency---immediately dead the “wants” and bank the money. Think about selling your non-essentials clothes/gadgets on Ebay.
5. They Have a Life Plan: Most successful people have a good idea about what they want to accomplish in a given time period—whether that’s five years, one year or a month. They don’t wake up every morning and just wing it. This doesn’t mean that every move is written in stone—but they’ve got an outline. Sometime your desires, your circumstances or your industry change and you’ve got to embark on another course. As veteran music industry exec, Kevin Liles said in his book Make it Happen, “There’s a big difference between building an overall vision about what you want to achieve in a lifetime, and tying yourself down to one path.” The key point is not to live solely in the future. Do your best with the project or job that’s in front of you, but keep in mind how it fits into where you want to be tomorrow. An important part of having a viable life plan is being prepared—are you positioning yourself for new opportunities? Whether you want to own a record company, buy a house, become a rap artist, open a charter school or become an NBA player, you need to find out what takes in terms of education/credentials, money, time and connections. Granted, there’s no law saying that you’ve got to do it like everyone else. For instance, 19 year old Brandon Jennings is the first U.S. basketball player to play professionally in Europe straight out of high school. In the 1990s the Wu-Tang Clan changed the music industry by having a recording contract with Loud/RCA that still allowed members to record solo projects with other labels. However, you’ve got to be knowledgeable of the system before you can successfully buck it.
Action Step: Write down what you would like to achieve in the next 6 months or year. Figure out the major steps you’d need to take to achieve your goals.
There’s more to life than the paper chase, but don’t discount the importance of money. It may not buy happiness, but it can buy you a nice home in a safe neighborhood, a reliable car, health insurance, stellar attorneys, vacations, college tuition for your children and the ability to help your parents financially as they enter their golden years. It’s in these times that we’ve got to realize the regardless of whose in the White House, we need develop a “do it your damn self” mind set that will help us to adapt to a changing world. In this latest financial crisis the government ran to bail out Wall Street while people on Main Street are still suffering. The rich and powerful instinctively look out for their own interests. They’re no different from any other clique or crew. Lil’ Kim summed up how the system works on The Lox’s single, “Money, Power and Respect,” “First you get the money, then you get the power, after you get the f–in’ power, motherf—ers will respect you." The take-away is to begin to rely more on yourself and rely less on other folks to make sure that you and yours eat.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I told Ya So!- Michelle Obama's Now the Target
I know that I've been quiet, but I feel compelled to say I told ya so. It was clear to me in March that Michelle Obama would be a major target.
So far she's been called Barack's "Baby's Mama," accused of using the term "whitey," and as predicted being a Black separatist, based on her Princeton senior thesis.
To paraphrase the the old limbo question...."how low can Barack Obama's opponent's go?"
On March 13, 2008, I wrote the following opinion piece that was published on www.NewsOne.com [BTW: There was a problem with their site, otherwise I would have simply linked it.]
===============
Is the Country Ready For First Lady Michelle Obama?
By: Yvonne Bynoe
It was in the wind last April when New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd criticized Michelle Obama for teasing her husband in public and acknowledging that he was a mere mortal. According to Dowd, Many people I talked to afterward found Michelle wondrous. But others worried that her chiding was emasculating, casting her husband -- under fire for lacking experience -- as an undisciplined child. Dowd put herself in the weird position of being the understanding White woman defending Sen. Barack Obama against his mean old Black wife. Most recently Michelle’s comment that she was “now proud to be an American” stirred up accusations that she’s a loose cannon.
The familiar smell in the air is the stereotype of the “Strong Black Woman.” While Barack has been portrayed in the media as the cool, charismatic post-race spouse, Michelle has been painted as a sistah with a chip on her shoulder. Since Barack appears untouchable, don’t be surprised if Michelle becomes the target of a smear campaign. There’s now talk that her senior thesis is racially divisive. Who would object to such a strategy? It would simply go down as another crazy Black bitch who dragged down a successful Black man.
Everyone is asking whether the country is ready for a Black President, but perhaps we should be asking if the United States is ready for First Lady Michelle Obama? Frankly most Americans have no context in which to place Michelle----a whip-smart graduate of Princeton University and Harvard Law School from the working class South Side of Chicago. She is not shaking her ass in rap music videos nor is she caring for little White children (or their parents). She is also not a baby’s mama or some wannabe model/fashion designer/singer who latched on to a wealthy Black man.
Michelle is comfortable in her own skin and wants people to get to know the real her not a plastic consultant-generated version. In our society we have such low expectations for Black women that even our denigration is effortlessly justified. So people actually believe that Black women like Michelle who have brains, beauty, hefty salaries and loving husbands are anomalies. To embrace Michelle would mean acknowledging a radically different Black female persona—that of a thinking, loving, independent yet supportive woman. However in this election it’s more probable that Barack’s opponents will go old school by trying to paint Michelle as a Sapphire--- twisting her confidence into arrogance and her honesty into bluntness.
The Amos N’Andy character “Sapphire” has come to represent the curt-tongued, ball-busting, emasculating Black woman. On the 1970s television program Sanford and Son she was personified by “Aunt Esther”--- Fred’s combative, Bible-thumping sister-in-law. Aunt Esther was often accompanied by her henpecked husband Woodrow. Woodrow was usually tipsy suggesting that it was the only way that he could deal with his overbearing wife.
The modern Sapphire is the Strong Black Woman. She is angry, aggressive, defensive, and controlling. The SBW may have an impressive resume, but she can’t keep a man. The caveat is that if the SBW has a man, he’s got to be weak—like Woodrow. Barack’s opponents have continually questioned his toughness and even called his foreign policy proposals naive. It’s apparent that if Michelle can be portrayed as a stereotypical domineering Black woman, it’s easier to insinuate that Barack’s got to be soft to be with her. Unfortunately, some voters may fall for it believing that a man can’t control the country if he can’t control his wife’s mouth.
What Michelle’s detractors fail to understand is that many American women see it as strength, not weakness that Barack would marry an intelligent “keep it real” woman rather than a vacant Stepford wife. In an April 2007 Chicago Tribune article Barack said of Michelle, “There’s something about her that projects such honesty and strength. It’s what makes her such an unbelievable professional, and partner, and mother, and wife.” In this era where fake is the new real, Michelle Obama is a welcome breath of fresh air.
So far she's been called Barack's "Baby's Mama," accused of using the term "whitey," and as predicted being a Black separatist, based on her Princeton senior thesis.
To paraphrase the the old limbo question...."how low can Barack Obama's opponent's go?"
On March 13, 2008, I wrote the following opinion piece that was published on www.NewsOne.com [BTW: There was a problem with their site, otherwise I would have simply linked it.]
===============
Is the Country Ready For First Lady Michelle Obama?
By: Yvonne Bynoe
It was in the wind last April when New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd criticized Michelle Obama for teasing her husband in public and acknowledging that he was a mere mortal. According to Dowd, Many people I talked to afterward found Michelle wondrous. But others worried that her chiding was emasculating, casting her husband -- under fire for lacking experience -- as an undisciplined child. Dowd put herself in the weird position of being the understanding White woman defending Sen. Barack Obama against his mean old Black wife. Most recently Michelle’s comment that she was “now proud to be an American” stirred up accusations that she’s a loose cannon.
The familiar smell in the air is the stereotype of the “Strong Black Woman.” While Barack has been portrayed in the media as the cool, charismatic post-race spouse, Michelle has been painted as a sistah with a chip on her shoulder. Since Barack appears untouchable, don’t be surprised if Michelle becomes the target of a smear campaign. There’s now talk that her senior thesis is racially divisive. Who would object to such a strategy? It would simply go down as another crazy Black bitch who dragged down a successful Black man.
Everyone is asking whether the country is ready for a Black President, but perhaps we should be asking if the United States is ready for First Lady Michelle Obama? Frankly most Americans have no context in which to place Michelle----a whip-smart graduate of Princeton University and Harvard Law School from the working class South Side of Chicago. She is not shaking her ass in rap music videos nor is she caring for little White children (or their parents). She is also not a baby’s mama or some wannabe model/fashion designer/singer who latched on to a wealthy Black man.
Michelle is comfortable in her own skin and wants people to get to know the real her not a plastic consultant-generated version. In our society we have such low expectations for Black women that even our denigration is effortlessly justified. So people actually believe that Black women like Michelle who have brains, beauty, hefty salaries and loving husbands are anomalies. To embrace Michelle would mean acknowledging a radically different Black female persona—that of a thinking, loving, independent yet supportive woman. However in this election it’s more probable that Barack’s opponents will go old school by trying to paint Michelle as a Sapphire--- twisting her confidence into arrogance and her honesty into bluntness.
The Amos N’Andy character “Sapphire” has come to represent the curt-tongued, ball-busting, emasculating Black woman. On the 1970s television program Sanford and Son she was personified by “Aunt Esther”--- Fred’s combative, Bible-thumping sister-in-law. Aunt Esther was often accompanied by her henpecked husband Woodrow. Woodrow was usually tipsy suggesting that it was the only way that he could deal with his overbearing wife.
The modern Sapphire is the Strong Black Woman. She is angry, aggressive, defensive, and controlling. The SBW may have an impressive resume, but she can’t keep a man. The caveat is that if the SBW has a man, he’s got to be weak—like Woodrow. Barack’s opponents have continually questioned his toughness and even called his foreign policy proposals naive. It’s apparent that if Michelle can be portrayed as a stereotypical domineering Black woman, it’s easier to insinuate that Barack’s got to be soft to be with her. Unfortunately, some voters may fall for it believing that a man can’t control the country if he can’t control his wife’s mouth.
What Michelle’s detractors fail to understand is that many American women see it as strength, not weakness that Barack would marry an intelligent “keep it real” woman rather than a vacant Stepford wife. In an April 2007 Chicago Tribune article Barack said of Michelle, “There’s something about her that projects such honesty and strength. It’s what makes her such an unbelievable professional, and partner, and mother, and wife.” In this era where fake is the new real, Michelle Obama is a welcome breath of fresh air.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Reflecting On Mother's Day
I know that I have been AWOL. Life sometimes gets in the way...this includes my husband, my son and my work. It's all good though. Taking time out to decide who are are and where you want to be is always a good thing. Moreover I am blessed that I have the time and resources to take periodic mental health days. A few weeks ago I went to a wonderful conference and realized that it was time to change direction in my work---I need to make it more current for where I NOW am in my life. Central to that identity is fact that I am a working mother. I'll announce those changes more in the coming weeks as they solidify.
For now, it's important that I reflect on my mother and my grandmothers. It is their love, strength and courage that stand as the foundation of my life. These women in all of their imperfection were my models about how to navigate the world as a Black woman. In some instances their lives were the inspiration for me to move far beyond the limitations that were placed on them because of their race and gender. The difference of decades, expectations and realities makes relationships among women tricky. I think however that we all did the best that we could to stay connected--- given who we were when those gaps appeared.
Overall it is the lessons that they taught me about self-respect, perseverence,intelligence...and yes, financial indepedence that have supported me during challenging times. Sometimes I was hard-headed, but now as a mother with aspirations (and fears) for my own beaming son, I better recognize the values that these phemomenal women were trying to instill in me....the hurts that they were trying to protect me from and the wonderful experiences that they were trying to prepare me to enjoy.
I hope that from their perches in Heaven that they are proud of my efforts to be present in my own life, to love husband, son and friends in a way that honors my truth, helps me to heal my own imperfections and supports their individual growth and evolution.
In their honor, Maya Angelou's poem, "Phenomenal Woman."
For now, it's important that I reflect on my mother and my grandmothers. It is their love, strength and courage that stand as the foundation of my life. These women in all of their imperfection were my models about how to navigate the world as a Black woman. In some instances their lives were the inspiration for me to move far beyond the limitations that were placed on them because of their race and gender. The difference of decades, expectations and realities makes relationships among women tricky. I think however that we all did the best that we could to stay connected--- given who we were when those gaps appeared.
Overall it is the lessons that they taught me about self-respect, perseverence,intelligence...and yes, financial indepedence that have supported me during challenging times. Sometimes I was hard-headed, but now as a mother with aspirations (and fears) for my own beaming son, I better recognize the values that these phemomenal women were trying to instill in me....the hurts that they were trying to protect me from and the wonderful experiences that they were trying to prepare me to enjoy.
I hope that from their perches in Heaven that they are proud of my efforts to be present in my own life, to love husband, son and friends in a way that honors my truth, helps me to heal my own imperfections and supports their individual growth and evolution.
In their honor, Maya Angelou's poem, "Phenomenal Woman."
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Kicking It Old School With My Son
When I was young, Sunday mornings meant that my father normally cooked breakfast. Daddy made the same meal--- pancakes, bacon and sausage, which was accompanied by orange juice, hot tea and the New York Daily News, Sunday edition. As my sister and I got older, we advanced our reading beyond the comics, but what remained consistent for years was the Sunday morning soundtrack. More often than not we ate breakfast and afterward read the newspaper listening to Hal Jackson's Sunday Classics on WBLS-FM. It was on this program that I developed an appreciation for musical artists such as Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughn, Nat King Cole, Aretha Franklin, Johnny Mathis and John Coltrane. My father, a jazz enthusiast, never gave speeches about the superiority of this music over the R&B and rap that I loudly listened to during the week. Instead he let the music speak for itself. In turn I soaked up the richness of music and considered it, not just my parents music, but also my own. One of the best memories I have is when I took my father to see Nina Simone perform in NYC.
When my father died two years ago among the keepsakes that I wanted were his CDs. It was amazing to see that there were so many "doubles"---CDs that he had that I already owned. I also surprised to find a Tupac CD (albeit bootleg) as well as one or two rap CDs. It would have never dawned on me that he would have bothered to explore Tupac or Dr. Dre. In my youth although he tolerated rap being played in the house, he drew the line at it being played on his car stereo. It would be easy to flatter myself that my father bought these CDs to understand more about my interest and work with rap music and Hip Hop. In truth, I think that my father was interested in discovering music that were masterfully created and that had some cultural or social relevance. I suppose that once he got older he was willing to explore the possibility that rap could meet his standards.
This past Sunday I suppose that I was continuing my family's Sunday morning tradition. I was literally digging in the crates and came across some old tapes---among the treasures was one of a live party that was held at Tavern on the Green hosted by Hot 97 in the mid 1990s; another was a DJ Kool promo tape, containing the his song, "Let Me Clear My Throat" and I even dusted off RuPaul. It was wonderful to watch my three year old dance and sing songs that I had myself enjoyed. There was nothing too risque, the word nigger wasn't flying around----it was just fun music with crazy beats.
My son has plenty of children CDs, including jazz and classical music that I have carefully picked out. Additionally we supplement those CDs with easy listening adult music such as Jon Secada, Christopher Cross, Lionel Richie or Corrine Rae Bailey. Generally my husband and I have found music for kids to be too sacchriny (if that's a word). As a result we don't play children's music in our cars--since we live in the burbs we spend a fair amount of time driving. My husband is very into 1970s soul and funk (what I call family reunion music). When my son rides with him he's likely to hear a heavy dose of Stevie Wonder, The Gap Band, The Bar-Kays along with a smattering of rap. After riding with my husband our son started requesting Third Base's "Pop Goes the Weasel." Right now in heavy rotation in my car is Alexander O'Neal (which my son really likes); D-Influence and Kem. In the past I've played Alicia Keys, John Legend, Bob Marley, Gentleman and Jeff Majors to death. I like Common's Be, but was uncomfortable playing it with my son in the car because of its liberal use of the word nigger.
I am not suggesting that Alicia Keys is on par with Nancy Wilson. All that I know is that music was a place where my father and I connected. His musical tastes helped me to learn a bit more about who he was as a person---including the cultural influences that most resonated with him. I look forward to dancing with my son on more Sundays. He will probably mock me, as I mocked my father and mother's dance moves---but it will all be in fun. When they jumped up to dance to a fondly remember song, my sister and I also jumped up and joined them. I still smile at those silly moments that we shared as a family. I hope that music helps my husband and I provide our son with similar experiences. I hope that one day he will look back and remember his family with love.
When my father died two years ago among the keepsakes that I wanted were his CDs. It was amazing to see that there were so many "doubles"---CDs that he had that I already owned. I also surprised to find a Tupac CD (albeit bootleg) as well as one or two rap CDs. It would have never dawned on me that he would have bothered to explore Tupac or Dr. Dre. In my youth although he tolerated rap being played in the house, he drew the line at it being played on his car stereo. It would be easy to flatter myself that my father bought these CDs to understand more about my interest and work with rap music and Hip Hop. In truth, I think that my father was interested in discovering music that were masterfully created and that had some cultural or social relevance. I suppose that once he got older he was willing to explore the possibility that rap could meet his standards.
This past Sunday I suppose that I was continuing my family's Sunday morning tradition. I was literally digging in the crates and came across some old tapes---among the treasures was one of a live party that was held at Tavern on the Green hosted by Hot 97 in the mid 1990s; another was a DJ Kool promo tape, containing the his song, "Let Me Clear My Throat" and I even dusted off RuPaul. It was wonderful to watch my three year old dance and sing songs that I had myself enjoyed. There was nothing too risque, the word nigger wasn't flying around----it was just fun music with crazy beats.
My son has plenty of children CDs, including jazz and classical music that I have carefully picked out. Additionally we supplement those CDs with easy listening adult music such as Jon Secada, Christopher Cross, Lionel Richie or Corrine Rae Bailey. Generally my husband and I have found music for kids to be too sacchriny (if that's a word). As a result we don't play children's music in our cars--since we live in the burbs we spend a fair amount of time driving. My husband is very into 1970s soul and funk (what I call family reunion music). When my son rides with him he's likely to hear a heavy dose of Stevie Wonder, The Gap Band, The Bar-Kays along with a smattering of rap. After riding with my husband our son started requesting Third Base's "Pop Goes the Weasel." Right now in heavy rotation in my car is Alexander O'Neal (which my son really likes); D-Influence and Kem. In the past I've played Alicia Keys, John Legend, Bob Marley, Gentleman and Jeff Majors to death. I like Common's Be, but was uncomfortable playing it with my son in the car because of its liberal use of the word nigger.
I am not suggesting that Alicia Keys is on par with Nancy Wilson. All that I know is that music was a place where my father and I connected. His musical tastes helped me to learn a bit more about who he was as a person---including the cultural influences that most resonated with him. I look forward to dancing with my son on more Sundays. He will probably mock me, as I mocked my father and mother's dance moves---but it will all be in fun. When they jumped up to dance to a fondly remember song, my sister and I also jumped up and joined them. I still smile at those silly moments that we shared as a family. I hope that music helps my husband and I provide our son with similar experiences. I hope that one day he will look back and remember his family with love.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Hooking Up: Is it Really Freedom for Women?
Is “hooking up” a sign of female empowerment or just another way for men to get sex on the cheap?
Like the old, one-night stand, “hooking up” doesn’t require any planning; much, if any, cash; and no commitment. Casual sex is nothing new, but better birth control and changing social mores have allowed some women to become players—--just like men. Surprisingly some people think that hooking up may be the new way to enter relationships rather than duck having one.
Right now there are at least two researched books on the market discussing hooking up: UnHooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both by Washington Post reporter, Laura Sessions Strepps and Hooking Up: Sex, Relationships and Dating on Campus by La Salle University Assistant Professor Kathleen A. Bogles. UnHooked concludes that a regular diet of casual sex impedes young people’s ability to form long-term relationships while Hooking Up asserts that while some activity is alarming, overall debauchery isn’t rampant on college campuses. The two book however do agree that unlike men, women who hook-up too often or are too freaky when they do hook-up get bad reputations. Moreover, while some high-achieving college women don’t want to devote the time necessary to date and cultivate full scale relationships, most women are disappointed when the hook-up doesn’t lead to something more. The subjects of both books are almost exclusively White, college-educated heterosexuals, so it’s unclear whether these findings are useful to the general public. Moreover, as far as I know there have been no longitudinal studies done about hooking up so these conclusions seem speculative at best.
Historically, women’s sexuality has been controlled through social institutions that sanctioned its expression only through heterosexual marriage. Therefore gender equality requires that women be able to self-direct their sexuality—it is central to their ability to exercise ownership of their bodies and to define their humanity. However in communities where far too many women are competing for a scarce number of viable partners (employed,straight men), it’s unclear whether a woman hooking up is exercising sexual agency or is merely paying the fee that she perceives is required to enter the relationship marketplace. If women are so down with hooking up, why then do so many of them become angry when the man stops calling, enters into a committed relationship with someone else or is not interested in parenting a child that resulted from their encounter? If the chief purpose of hooking up is to have no-strings sex, then it seems illogical for a woman to assume that there’s any more between her and the man than that evening’s booty call. In my mind a sexual free agent handles her business and then bids the man adieu, forever or until the next text—she’s not organizing her thoughts around the prospect of emotional intimacy.
Whether or not hooking up is liberating for a woman depends on whether or not she is being honest about what she wants from the man. If a woman is hooking up only to get some hot sex--—then more power to her. But if she’s hooking up, hoping that the sex will lead to a committed relationship, she’s probably playing herself. Sure it could happen, but she shouldn’t count on it. A good, platonic male friend used to say that men and women should have sex on the first date so that they’d know whether or not they were compatible enough to explore a relationship. According to him, there is no value in a woman waiting to have sex because if that’s all that a man wants he will bounce after getting it on the first night or the forty-first night.
He makes some good points, but years later I am still skeptical. I still don’t think that most men are that liberal minded. While I know few men who would pass up sex on the first night, I also know most of them would place the woman in the booty call category, instead of the relationship file. These men would always wonder about how many other men the woman had also done on the first night. It’s not fair, but it’s how it is. Personally I don’t believe in timetables for having sex, but I also have never mistaken a body shaking orgasm for love. Before I got married, at various points I wanted more than fun and excitement-—I wanted someone who knew and cared about me. When I was considering relationship candidates sexual attraction was important, but for me it was more critical that I learn what the particular man was about and figure out what besides his dazzling smile or laid-back cool did I like---that always took more than one night.
Like the old, one-night stand, “hooking up” doesn’t require any planning; much, if any, cash; and no commitment. Casual sex is nothing new, but better birth control and changing social mores have allowed some women to become players—--just like men. Surprisingly some people think that hooking up may be the new way to enter relationships rather than duck having one.
Right now there are at least two researched books on the market discussing hooking up: UnHooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both by Washington Post reporter, Laura Sessions Strepps and Hooking Up: Sex, Relationships and Dating on Campus by La Salle University Assistant Professor Kathleen A. Bogles. UnHooked concludes that a regular diet of casual sex impedes young people’s ability to form long-term relationships while Hooking Up asserts that while some activity is alarming, overall debauchery isn’t rampant on college campuses. The two book however do agree that unlike men, women who hook-up too often or are too freaky when they do hook-up get bad reputations. Moreover, while some high-achieving college women don’t want to devote the time necessary to date and cultivate full scale relationships, most women are disappointed when the hook-up doesn’t lead to something more. The subjects of both books are almost exclusively White, college-educated heterosexuals, so it’s unclear whether these findings are useful to the general public. Moreover, as far as I know there have been no longitudinal studies done about hooking up so these conclusions seem speculative at best.
Historically, women’s sexuality has been controlled through social institutions that sanctioned its expression only through heterosexual marriage. Therefore gender equality requires that women be able to self-direct their sexuality—it is central to their ability to exercise ownership of their bodies and to define their humanity. However in communities where far too many women are competing for a scarce number of viable partners (employed,straight men), it’s unclear whether a woman hooking up is exercising sexual agency or is merely paying the fee that she perceives is required to enter the relationship marketplace. If women are so down with hooking up, why then do so many of them become angry when the man stops calling, enters into a committed relationship with someone else or is not interested in parenting a child that resulted from their encounter? If the chief purpose of hooking up is to have no-strings sex, then it seems illogical for a woman to assume that there’s any more between her and the man than that evening’s booty call. In my mind a sexual free agent handles her business and then bids the man adieu, forever or until the next text—she’s not organizing her thoughts around the prospect of emotional intimacy.
Whether or not hooking up is liberating for a woman depends on whether or not she is being honest about what she wants from the man. If a woman is hooking up only to get some hot sex--—then more power to her. But if she’s hooking up, hoping that the sex will lead to a committed relationship, she’s probably playing herself. Sure it could happen, but she shouldn’t count on it. A good, platonic male friend used to say that men and women should have sex on the first date so that they’d know whether or not they were compatible enough to explore a relationship. According to him, there is no value in a woman waiting to have sex because if that’s all that a man wants he will bounce after getting it on the first night or the forty-first night.
He makes some good points, but years later I am still skeptical. I still don’t think that most men are that liberal minded. While I know few men who would pass up sex on the first night, I also know most of them would place the woman in the booty call category, instead of the relationship file. These men would always wonder about how many other men the woman had also done on the first night. It’s not fair, but it’s how it is. Personally I don’t believe in timetables for having sex, but I also have never mistaken a body shaking orgasm for love. Before I got married, at various points I wanted more than fun and excitement-—I wanted someone who knew and cared about me. When I was considering relationship candidates sexual attraction was important, but for me it was more critical that I learn what the particular man was about and figure out what besides his dazzling smile or laid-back cool did I like---that always took more than one night.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Condi on Race In America
Okay... I admit it, I am a Condi Rice fan. She's razor smart, unflappable and stylish. I wish she was not repping for Bush and Cheney, but it is what it is. She's gotta take her lumps along with them regarding her record and policy initiatives (or lack thereof). I treat Condi (or the concept of her) like a relative whom I disagree with...I still respect her and have her back although we don't see to eye. Mind you, I don't have a problem with her being a Republican, just with her propping up those guys.
One area where I think Rice has been woefully misunderstood has been on race. As a daughter of the South, Birmingham to be exact, she had a sense of the danger and brutality of racial discrimination. I heard that she had been friendly with one of the four young Black girls who were killed in the 1963 church bombing. Consequently her parents left the South and continued to instill in her the idea that she could surmount any obstacle, racial or otherwise through excellence. The path of her parents as well as their social circle in effect was foundation for her political beliefs.
People want Condi to march in the street and wave placards as if there is only one right way to speak out against injustice. Condi believes that Black folks have the mettle to do want they need to do to succeed without depending on the government. Given her own life experiences Condi knew (as Hurricane Katrina attested) that had she and her family waited on the government to intervene and directly improve their circumstances, her life would have turned out VERY differently...and probably not for the better.
In a March 27, 2008 interview with the editorial board of the Washington Times, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, was quoted as saying:
"Black Americans loved and had faith in this country even when this country didn't love and have faith in them, and that's our legacy."--
The nation's most prominent Black Republican, acknowledged that she had listened to Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama's speech on race relations in America. Moreover, she said that it was important that he gave it. Condi Compliments Obama on Race Speech
In commenting on the fact that Blacks didn't come to this country voluntarily, she gave the following take on the position of Blacks in American society: "We may call ourselves African Americans, but we're not immigrants. We don't mimic the immigrant story. Where this conversation has got to go is that Black Americans and White Americans founded this country together and I think we've always wanted the same thing. And it's been now a very hard and long struggle to begin to get to the place that we can all pursue the same thing."
One area where I think Rice has been woefully misunderstood has been on race. As a daughter of the South, Birmingham to be exact, she had a sense of the danger and brutality of racial discrimination. I heard that she had been friendly with one of the four young Black girls who were killed in the 1963 church bombing. Consequently her parents left the South and continued to instill in her the idea that she could surmount any obstacle, racial or otherwise through excellence. The path of her parents as well as their social circle in effect was foundation for her political beliefs.
People want Condi to march in the street and wave placards as if there is only one right way to speak out against injustice. Condi believes that Black folks have the mettle to do want they need to do to succeed without depending on the government. Given her own life experiences Condi knew (as Hurricane Katrina attested) that had she and her family waited on the government to intervene and directly improve their circumstances, her life would have turned out VERY differently...and probably not for the better.
In a March 27, 2008 interview with the editorial board of the Washington Times, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, was quoted as saying:
"Black Americans loved and had faith in this country even when this country didn't love and have faith in them, and that's our legacy."--
The nation's most prominent Black Republican, acknowledged that she had listened to Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama's speech on race relations in America. Moreover, she said that it was important that he gave it. Condi Compliments Obama on Race Speech
In commenting on the fact that Blacks didn't come to this country voluntarily, she gave the following take on the position of Blacks in American society: "We may call ourselves African Americans, but we're not immigrants. We don't mimic the immigrant story. Where this conversation has got to go is that Black Americans and White Americans founded this country together and I think we've always wanted the same thing. And it's been now a very hard and long struggle to begin to get to the place that we can all pursue the same thing."
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Carrie Bradshaw Meets the Housewives of NYC
Although I am not a fan of many reality shows, I like Bravo's "The Housewives of New York." Many blog posters have asked about Bethanny, the healthy food chef---basically why is she on the show since she is neither married nor has children. Perhaps she is a segue between the carefree, sexy single life promoted in Sex and the City and more staid domestic drama of husbands, kids and second homes in the Hamptons depicted on Housewives.
Anyway, last night Bethanny broke-up with her boyfriend Jason. Jason is divorced with three kids. Bethanny is in her late thirties, has never been married and wants at least one child....soon. A few weeks ago Jason would not discuss their moving in together. It seems that Bethanny point blanked asked him whether he would be ready to have a child with her soon, he said that he wasn't sure if he'd be ready in a year or two year...he didn't want to be put on a clock. Like any New York woman, she heard his response, panicked and decamped to a penthouse suite in South Beach to think and chill.
Jason is not wrong if he does not know if he want to have more children or to get married again. Bethanny is not wrong to want to settle down and start a family. Bethany's predicament raises the questions as to whether a woman should wait until she's 35 to decide to have kids. Moreover, if she does, is a divorced guy with three kids a great candidate. The cruel fact is that unlike men, women have a finite time to procreate. As Bethany's friend in SOBE told her,your eggs are getting staler each day.
In 1960, 70 percent of American 25-year-old women were married with children; in 2000only 25 percent of them were. In 1970, just 7.4 percent of all American 30- to 34-year-olds were unmarried; today, the number is 22 percent. It would be crazy to suggest that we go back to the old days where the chief priority for women was finding a husband and birthing some babies. However just as woman plan our careers to accomodate career and social objectives, perhaps there needs to be more awareness about planning to have children. The alternative is to be nearing 40 and frantically hoping that you can program the men that you meet to be in tune with your narrowing fertility window.
I was lucky, I had given myself until age 40 to have a child, the prerequisite being that I had met someone whom I loved who could also be a suitable father. I remember telling my then boyfriend (now my husband) that given my age that I may not be able to have children and would he be cool with adoption. I was in good health, but who knows--for some women their fertility is already over by age 35. He answered that he would love any child that we had together...that was enough for me. However the relationship hit some snags, there was a break-up and then a few months later we mutually agreed to reunite...we then married. Without a whole lot of hoopla, thought or planning, I got pregnant.
It worked out well for. I beat my deadline and I am happy, but if I had it all to do again, I would have gotten serious earlier about doing the personal work required to be in a committed relationship and to be a parent. Don't get me wrong, I had fun being single and I have some good memories, but once the excitement was over, I should have got my marbles and got. I believe that the situation won't come until you are ready to receive it....that meant changing my mindset and my hang-outs. In short, it's doubtful that you are going to meet a family-oriented man in the club. Anyway, I like having options and since love can't be rushed or guaranteed, time is also a big necessity.
Anyway, last night Bethanny broke-up with her boyfriend Jason. Jason is divorced with three kids. Bethanny is in her late thirties, has never been married and wants at least one child....soon. A few weeks ago Jason would not discuss their moving in together. It seems that Bethanny point blanked asked him whether he would be ready to have a child with her soon, he said that he wasn't sure if he'd be ready in a year or two year...he didn't want to be put on a clock. Like any New York woman, she heard his response, panicked and decamped to a penthouse suite in South Beach to think and chill.
Jason is not wrong if he does not know if he want to have more children or to get married again. Bethanny is not wrong to want to settle down and start a family. Bethany's predicament raises the questions as to whether a woman should wait until she's 35 to decide to have kids. Moreover, if she does, is a divorced guy with three kids a great candidate. The cruel fact is that unlike men, women have a finite time to procreate. As Bethany's friend in SOBE told her,your eggs are getting staler each day.
In 1960, 70 percent of American 25-year-old women were married with children; in 2000only 25 percent of them were. In 1970, just 7.4 percent of all American 30- to 34-year-olds were unmarried; today, the number is 22 percent. It would be crazy to suggest that we go back to the old days where the chief priority for women was finding a husband and birthing some babies. However just as woman plan our careers to accomodate career and social objectives, perhaps there needs to be more awareness about planning to have children. The alternative is to be nearing 40 and frantically hoping that you can program the men that you meet to be in tune with your narrowing fertility window.
I was lucky, I had given myself until age 40 to have a child, the prerequisite being that I had met someone whom I loved who could also be a suitable father. I remember telling my then boyfriend (now my husband) that given my age that I may not be able to have children and would he be cool with adoption. I was in good health, but who knows--for some women their fertility is already over by age 35. He answered that he would love any child that we had together...that was enough for me. However the relationship hit some snags, there was a break-up and then a few months later we mutually agreed to reunite...we then married. Without a whole lot of hoopla, thought or planning, I got pregnant.
It worked out well for. I beat my deadline and I am happy, but if I had it all to do again, I would have gotten serious earlier about doing the personal work required to be in a committed relationship and to be a parent. Don't get me wrong, I had fun being single and I have some good memories, but once the excitement was over, I should have got my marbles and got. I believe that the situation won't come until you are ready to receive it....that meant changing my mindset and my hang-outs. In short, it's doubtful that you are going to meet a family-oriented man in the club. Anyway, I like having options and since love can't be rushed or guaranteed, time is also a big necessity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
