Hooking Up: Is it Really Freedom for Women?

Is “hooking up” a sign of female empowerment or just another way for men to get sex on the cheap?

Like the old, one-night stand, “hooking up” doesn’t require any planning; much, if any, cash; and no commitment. Casual sex is nothing new, but better birth control and changing social mores have allowed some women to become players—--just like men. Surprisingly some people think that hooking up may be the new way to enter relationships rather than duck having one.

Right now there are at least two researched books on the market discussing hooking up: UnHooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both by Washington Post reporter, Laura Sessions Strepps and Hooking Up: Sex, Relationships and Dating on Campus by La Salle University Assistant Professor Kathleen A. Bogles. UnHooked concludes that a regular diet of casual sex impedes young people’s ability to form long-term relationships while Hooking Up asserts that while some activity is alarming, overall debauchery isn’t rampant on college campuses. The two book however do agree that unlike men, women who hook-up too often or are too freaky when they do hook-up get bad reputations. Moreover, while some high-achieving college women don’t want to devote the time necessary to date and cultivate full scale relationships, most women are disappointed when the hook-up doesn’t lead to something more. The subjects of both books are almost exclusively White, college-educated heterosexuals, so it’s unclear whether these findings are useful to the general public. Moreover, as far as I know there have been no longitudinal studies done about hooking up so these conclusions seem speculative at best.

Historically, women’s sexuality has been controlled through social institutions that sanctioned its expression only through heterosexual marriage. Therefore gender equality requires that women be able to self-direct their sexuality—it is central to their ability to exercise ownership of their bodies and to define their humanity. However in communities where far too many women are competing for a scarce number of viable partners (employed,straight men), it’s unclear whether a woman hooking up is exercising sexual agency or is merely paying the fee that she perceives is required to enter the relationship marketplace. If women are so down with hooking up, why then do so many of them become angry when the man stops calling, enters into a committed relationship with someone else or is not interested in parenting a child that resulted from their encounter? If the chief purpose of hooking up is to have no-strings sex, then it seems illogical for a woman to assume that there’s any more between her and the man than that evening’s booty call. In my mind a sexual free agent handles her business and then bids the man adieu, forever or until the next text—she’s not organizing her thoughts around the prospect of emotional intimacy.

Whether or not hooking up is liberating for a woman depends on whether or not she is being honest about what she wants from the man. If a woman is hooking up only to get some hot sex--—then more power to her. But if she’s hooking up, hoping that the sex will lead to a committed relationship, she’s probably playing herself. Sure it could happen, but she shouldn’t count on it. A good, platonic male friend used to say that men and women should have sex on the first date so that they’d know whether or not they were compatible enough to explore a relationship. According to him, there is no value in a woman waiting to have sex because if that’s all that a man wants he will bounce after getting it on the first night or the forty-first night.

He makes some good points, but years later I am still skeptical. I still don’t think that most men are that liberal minded. While I know few men who would pass up sex on the first night, I also know most of them would place the woman in the booty call category, instead of the relationship file. These men would always wonder about how many other men the woman had also done on the first night. It’s not fair, but it’s how it is. Personally I don’t believe in timetables for having sex, but I also have never mistaken a body shaking orgasm for love. Before I got married, at various points I wanted more than fun and excitement-—I wanted someone who knew and cared about me. When I was considering relationship candidates sexual attraction was important, but for me it was more critical that I learn what the particular man was about and figure out what besides his dazzling smile or laid-back cool did I like---that always took more than one night.